A Long Overdue Update!

It's been almost 2 months since I've posted.  I've been so busy now that school started, and so much has happened.  Last Thursday I started IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) at the hospital near my house.  The first day was ROUGH.  I was either on the verge of crying or actually crying for the majority of the 4 hour session.  We have to eat snack and then dinner.  For snack I had to eat a corn muffin and a yogurt.  I'm vegan and healthy, so I havn't had a yogurt in almost a year and I can't even remember the last time I had a muffin.  For dinner I had to have a veggie burger, a yogurt, mixed veggies, another yogurt, peanut butter and an apple.  I was ok with everything but the bun of the veggie burger (a normal, non-whole wheat bun) and the yogurt.  That meal was also difficult but not nearly as bad as the snack.  The program is Tuesday and Thursday nights for 4 hours, so twice a week.  Since the first day, I've gone two other times and the meals have gotten easier.  Today I didnt even cry the entire 4 hours!! 

I also believe I made progress in my mental approach to this eating disorder.  I talked to my new nutritionist and she is the first nutritionist that actually sees eye-to-eye with me and has asked for reasonable goals and changes.  I want to still be a vegan, but I want to give up some of my ridigity within the vegan lifestyle.  For example, I want to be able to eat any kind of vegan food at any point of the day.  I no longer want to not allow myself to eat carbs at dinner, etc.  I also want to be able to eat at whatever time in the day that I am hungry; not at pre-determined times in accordance to what time I ate my last meal.  I also have to be able to eat a non-whole wheat food.  I haven't eaten a non-whole wheat food (besides the last 3 days of the program) in a very very long time (probably 6-7 months).  I will always choose the whole wheat choice if there is an option, but I want to be able to be mentally ok with eating white bread (for example) if wheat is not an option.  I am actually planning on beginning this challenge tomorrow.  The tennis team is ordering an early dinner from a pizzaria.  Originally I told the captain that I didn't want her to order me anything, but after the program today I told her to actually order me 1 plain slice.  I will take off the cheese so it will be vegan.  But it will not be whole wheat.  I doubt I'll be able to eat the whole thing and there's a good chance that I won't be able to get through it without starting to cry, but I need to start taking steps outside of the program if I want to be able to get at least somewhat better.

This past Monday I had a session with my therapist (outside of IOP).  It was probably the best session I've ever had and I was able to provide a very vivid example of how I view my eating disorder.  In the movie Spiderman 3, there is a new villan who doesn't have a name but is a black organism.  This organism latches onto a host and feeds off the host.  It takes over them and changes how they think and act.  This organism somehow finds Peter Parker (Spiderman) and latches onto him.  It covers his spidey suit, so whenever Peter puts on the suit, he also puts on everything that comes with being under the influence of the organism.  this organism changes his intentions and morals negatively.  On the other hand, when Peter is not wearing the suit, he gains confidence, gets a haircut, gets new clothes and believes he has become hot shit.  This continues for awhile until he breaks his girlfriend's heart and realizes the monster he has become.  At this point in the movie, he isolates himself and tries to seperate himself from the organism.  But the organism has latched itself so tightly onto his suit/him that Peter really struggels to get it off.  There is a scene where is is clawing at the mask in front of his face trying to seperate it from him and you can see the black stretch marks holding the mask together.  He is screaming and pulling as hard as he can.  Eventually he is able to seperate himself from the organism and the organism leaves him and finds a new host.  I believe that this is me and my eating disorder!!  When my eating disorder (the black organism) first found me, I felt powerful with this new ability and thin body.  I got a haircut, bought a ton of new clothes (because my old ones didn't fit) and believed I was hot shit.  The skinnier I became, the hotter I thougth I was.  When it got bad and I was weighing 97 lbs, had a low heartbeat, blood pressure and blood sugar I realized what had happened.  I realized that I had taken it too far but I was still hung up on the power I felt.  It wasn't until very recently that I started to see how this new being was negatively effecting me.  It was ruining friendships, preventing me from dating and physically harming me.  But I felt like there was no way I'd ever be able to seperate my real self from my ED.  It was too entangled in my real person (just like the black organism was within Peter).  I felt like even if I started to pull at the blackness covering me, I wouldn't be able to get out of it because of how deep inside my brain it had become.  Recently (today really) I believe that I have started to see the light.  Because my nutritionist only set small and managable goals as my path to recovery, I believe that I may be able to achieve them and find some of the person I used to be.  We'll see if this feeling stays and if I can work towards it...