Today was day 2 in PHP. This program is SO FREAKING BORING. I'm there for 8 hours of the day and we only do 2-3 30min discussion groups a day! It's so frusturating! Yesterday we spent 45min doing yoga, 45min doing arts and crafts and 45min watching friends. Then the rest of the time we were either doing a bathroom break or eating. I'm not going to get anything out of this program except weight. I went into the program yesterday wearing my glasses and no makeup expecting to cry in groups throughout the day. But I ended up almost falling asleep in all of these "daycare" activities. It's actually rediculous. This is such a waste of my time.
On top of that, the 4 other girls in the group all all younger then me. I am 21 and have been the oldest in both PHP and IOP programs since I got here over 3 months ago. In PHP now there's an 18 year old, 13 year old, 14 year old and 16 year old. But the 18 year old is in her first treatment ever so we're in entirerly different stages, and obviously I can't relate to the 13 and 14 year olds at all. I do like the 16 year old a lot and we have become friendly. We're also both alike in that we don't want to get better. But I think I'm more against it then she is because she's young enough for her parents to be on top of her about it.
Today in the 1st of the 3 groups we had, I was kind of hinting about not wanting to get better. And at the end of the group the therapist said that from now on we should try to make the groups positive and not negative. So now I feel like I can't even say anything in the groups because I'll be a negative trigger for the other girls! So now I can't get anything at all out of the program, if I can't even say what I want to say in the 2-3 groups we have.
I'm just beyond frusturated right now =/
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Crazy Person
I'm going into PHP (partial hospitalization program) starting on Monday. I've been in IOP (intensive outpatient program) for the entire fall semester, but I've slipped back again into old habits. The doctors have reccomended me for PHP 4 times now and I'm finally going into it. I had a meeting with my nutritionist on Thursday and literally lost it in her office. I was yelling and sobbing and basically verbally attacking her, threatening to tell the other patients in the group stuff that would counter their recovery process. I was literally a crazy person. I just want out of this hospital. I want out of these therapy appointments, having to eat disgusting foods, having to talk about my feelings and actions. I want to live my life. This eating disorder was so much worse last year so it's not fair that I have to go into such intense treatment now. 8 hours a day 5 days a week?!?!? It's not fair!
I'm not sure when I became such a defiant person. But that side of me has been coming out more then ever the past few weeks. Now that I'm going into PHP, I'm determined to not let it cure me. I don't want to be cured. My thought process is "well maybe once I don't make progress in PHP, they'll see that that won't cure me either and just give up on curing me." Then I can just go back to school and live a normally college student life.
I decided that today, tomorrow and Sunday I'm going to do a fruit/veggie only clense, to clean out my body before I go into program and am shoving pounds and pounds of unhealthy food down my throat for the next 5 weeks. I haven't eaten like this since I was at my worst last year. I am so tired and getting crabby from the lack of energy. I never would have gone back to this kind of eating if they weren't putting me in PHP. This program is making my bad habbits COME BACK instead of making them go away!
This is the first time in my life I'm wishing that I had parents who didn't care about me at all, then I wouldn't be forced into treatment. It sucks because I'm 21 so I'm not a minor and they don't have any legal power over me anymore. But they said that if I don't stay in the level of treatment they want me to be in, that they won't pay for college. And not going to college would be the ultimate failure. So I'm doing the bare minimum to get them to keep paying.
I'm not ready to gain the weight they're going to make me gain. I'm not ready to go back to hating my body and hating myself for my lack of control over food. I have been happy with my self for awhile now. I just wish I had my stupid period so that I wouldn't have to gain weight. But not having your period for almost 2 years is definitely a big enough deal to make everyone force treatment on me.
The only reason I'm not going to go into PHP on Monday screaming and refusing to eat food is because I'm friendly with some of the other girls there. I've been in IOP for 3 1/2 months now and have been in groups with the same girls for the past 2ish months now. I do really like them and don't want to come off as a crazy person to them. But then again, I don't want to get better. How many times do I have to say that until they leave me alone? Some of these girls do want to get better. And I support these girls in whatever they want; if they want to get better, then all the power to them! I hope they do! But if they don't, like me, then I hope that they are able to find some way to escape. Whatever these girls want for themselves, I want for them too. So, because some girls are trying to recover, I don't talk much in groups. I don't want my negativity to negatively affect their recovery. So, because of this I am even getting less out of going. So let me out of this prison! I won't go back to the weight and degree of sickness I was last year (97 lbs) because I don't want to! I am happy where I am now (around 115 lbs) because it is skinny but not scrawny. I am very thin but still good looking. I am good looking in my own eyes and still good looking in other people's eyes too. I have the found the perfect medium, and the doctors won't let me be happy. Stupid period.
Going into PHP has just made me so excited for when I graduate college in 1 and 1/2 years. Then my parents will have nothing over me and I will be free.
---- I know that I sound very eating disordered right now, but this is the person I am now. At my first visit with the ED doctor a year ago, she said that 30% of patients die, 30% of patients are functioning EDed, and 30% fully recover. That day, I told my parents that I would be in the 30% that live as functioning eating disorder. This view has not changed one year later. I'm not sure why they are surprised.
I'm not sure when I became such a defiant person. But that side of me has been coming out more then ever the past few weeks. Now that I'm going into PHP, I'm determined to not let it cure me. I don't want to be cured. My thought process is "well maybe once I don't make progress in PHP, they'll see that that won't cure me either and just give up on curing me." Then I can just go back to school and live a normally college student life.
I decided that today, tomorrow and Sunday I'm going to do a fruit/veggie only clense, to clean out my body before I go into program and am shoving pounds and pounds of unhealthy food down my throat for the next 5 weeks. I haven't eaten like this since I was at my worst last year. I am so tired and getting crabby from the lack of energy. I never would have gone back to this kind of eating if they weren't putting me in PHP. This program is making my bad habbits COME BACK instead of making them go away!
This is the first time in my life I'm wishing that I had parents who didn't care about me at all, then I wouldn't be forced into treatment. It sucks because I'm 21 so I'm not a minor and they don't have any legal power over me anymore. But they said that if I don't stay in the level of treatment they want me to be in, that they won't pay for college. And not going to college would be the ultimate failure. So I'm doing the bare minimum to get them to keep paying.
I'm not ready to gain the weight they're going to make me gain. I'm not ready to go back to hating my body and hating myself for my lack of control over food. I have been happy with my self for awhile now. I just wish I had my stupid period so that I wouldn't have to gain weight. But not having your period for almost 2 years is definitely a big enough deal to make everyone force treatment on me.
The only reason I'm not going to go into PHP on Monday screaming and refusing to eat food is because I'm friendly with some of the other girls there. I've been in IOP for 3 1/2 months now and have been in groups with the same girls for the past 2ish months now. I do really like them and don't want to come off as a crazy person to them. But then again, I don't want to get better. How many times do I have to say that until they leave me alone? Some of these girls do want to get better. And I support these girls in whatever they want; if they want to get better, then all the power to them! I hope they do! But if they don't, like me, then I hope that they are able to find some way to escape. Whatever these girls want for themselves, I want for them too. So, because some girls are trying to recover, I don't talk much in groups. I don't want my negativity to negatively affect their recovery. So, because of this I am even getting less out of going. So let me out of this prison! I won't go back to the weight and degree of sickness I was last year (97 lbs) because I don't want to! I am happy where I am now (around 115 lbs) because it is skinny but not scrawny. I am very thin but still good looking. I am good looking in my own eyes and still good looking in other people's eyes too. I have the found the perfect medium, and the doctors won't let me be happy. Stupid period.
Going into PHP has just made me so excited for when I graduate college in 1 and 1/2 years. Then my parents will have nothing over me and I will be free.
---- I know that I sound very eating disordered right now, but this is the person I am now. At my first visit with the ED doctor a year ago, she said that 30% of patients die, 30% of patients are functioning EDed, and 30% fully recover. That day, I told my parents that I would be in the 30% that live as functioning eating disorder. This view has not changed one year later. I'm not sure why they are surprised.
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