Day Two

Today was day 2 in PHP.  This program is SO FREAKING BORING.  I'm there for 8 hours of the day and we only do 2-3 30min discussion groups a day!  It's so frusturating!  Yesterday we spent 45min doing yoga, 45min doing arts and crafts and 45min watching friends.  Then the rest of the time we were either doing a bathroom break or eating.  I'm not going to get anything out of this program except weight.  I went into the program yesterday wearing my glasses and no makeup expecting to cry in groups throughout the day.  But I ended up almost falling asleep in all of these "daycare" activities.  It's actually rediculous.  This is such a waste of my time.

On top of that, the 4 other girls in the group all all younger then me.  I am 21 and have been the oldest in both PHP and IOP programs since I got here over 3 months ago.  In PHP now there's an 18 year old, 13 year old, 14 year old and 16 year old.  But the 18 year old is in her first treatment ever so we're in entirerly different stages, and obviously I can't relate to the 13 and 14 year olds at all.  I do like the 16 year old a lot and we have become friendly.  We're also both alike in that we don't want to get better.  But I think I'm more against it then she is because she's young enough for her parents to be on top of her about it.

Today in the 1st of the 3 groups we had, I was kind of hinting about not wanting to get better.  And at the end of the group the therapist said that from now on we should try to make the groups positive and not negative.  So now I feel like I can't even say anything in the groups because I'll be a negative trigger for the other girls!  So now I can't get anything at all out of the program, if I can't even say what I want to say in the 2-3 groups we have.

I'm just beyond frusturated right now =/

Crazy Person

I'm going into PHP (partial hospitalization program) starting on Monday.  I've been in IOP (intensive outpatient program) for the entire fall semester, but I've slipped back again into old habits.  The doctors have reccomended me for PHP 4 times now and I'm finally going into it.  I had a meeting with my nutritionist on Thursday and literally lost it in her office.  I was yelling and sobbing and basically verbally attacking her, threatening to tell the other patients in the group stuff that would counter their recovery process.  I was literally a crazy person.  I just want out of this hospital.  I want out of these therapy appointments, having to eat disgusting foods, having to talk about my feelings and actions.  I want to live my life.  This eating disorder was so much worse last year so it's not fair that I have to go into such intense treatment now.  8 hours a day 5 days a week?!?!?  It's not fair!

I'm not sure when I became such a defiant person.  But that side of me has been coming out more then ever the past few weeks.  Now that I'm going into PHP, I'm determined to not let it cure me.  I don't want to be cured.  My thought process is "well maybe once I don't make progress in PHP, they'll see that that won't cure me either and just give up on curing me."  Then I can just go back to school and live a normally college student life.

I decided that today, tomorrow and Sunday I'm going to do a fruit/veggie only clense, to clean out my body before I go into program and am shoving pounds and pounds of unhealthy food down my throat for the next 5 weeks.  I haven't eaten like this since I was at my worst last year.  I am so tired and getting crabby from the lack of energy.  I never would have gone back to this kind of eating if they weren't putting me in PHP.  This program is making my bad habbits COME BACK instead of making them go away!

This is the first time in my life I'm wishing that I had parents who didn't care about me at all, then I wouldn't be forced into treatment.  It sucks because I'm 21 so I'm not a minor and they don't have any legal power over me anymore.  But they said that if I don't stay in the level of treatment they want me to be in, that they won't pay for college.  And not going to college would be the ultimate failure.  So I'm doing the bare minimum to get them to keep paying.

I'm not ready to gain the weight they're going to make me gain.  I'm not ready to go back to hating my body and hating myself for my lack of control over food.  I have been happy with my self for awhile now.  I just wish I had my stupid period so that I wouldn't have to gain weight.  But not having your period for almost 2 years is definitely a big enough deal to make everyone force treatment on me.

The only reason I'm not going to go into PHP on Monday screaming and refusing to eat food is because I'm friendly with some of the other girls there.  I've been in IOP for 3 1/2 months now and have been in groups with the same girls for the past 2ish months now.  I do really like them and don't want to come off as a crazy person to them.  But then again, I don't want to get better.  How many times do I have to say that until they leave me alone?  Some of these girls do want to get better.  And I support these girls in whatever they want; if they want to get better, then all the power to them!  I hope they do!  But if they don't, like me, then I hope that they are able to find some way to escape.  Whatever these girls want for themselves, I want for them too.  So, because some girls are trying to recover, I don't talk much in groups.  I don't want my negativity to negatively affect their recovery.  So, because of this I am even getting less out of going.  So let me out of this prison!  I won't go back to the weight and degree of sickness I was last year (97 lbs) because I don't want to!  I am happy where I am now (around 115 lbs) because it is skinny but not scrawny.  I am very thin but still good looking.  I am good looking in my own eyes and still good looking in other people's eyes too.  I have the found the perfect medium, and the doctors won't let me be happy.  Stupid period.

Going into PHP has just made me so excited for when I graduate college in 1 and 1/2 years.  Then my parents will have nothing over me and I will be free.


---- I know that I sound very eating disordered right now, but this is the person I am now.  At my first visit with the ED doctor a year ago, she said that 30% of patients die, 30% of patients are functioning EDed, and 30% fully recover.  That day, I told my parents that I would be in the 30% that live as functioning eating disorder.  This view has not changed one year later.  I'm not sure why they are surprised.

Progress, Then Back Again

Recently I feel like I've been making a lot of progress in my intensive outpatient program (IOP).  I've been eating a lot of challenge foods, sticking to my meal plan, gained a little weight and improved my vitals.  This all happened 2 weeks ago.  But then at my weekly nutritionist appointment last Thursday, I got the results back from my bloodwork test.  My estrogen was very low, and I lost it.  I felt like I had been trying so hard, had gained weight (even though I don't feel comfortable with the weight that I was at before), and it still wasn't good enough.  My doctors say that I have to continue to gain weight until I get my period back, because I haven't had my period in a year and a half.  I can't do this anymore though.  When I was at my lowest point I had lost 35lbs, but I've gained 20 of it back!!!  I don't want to have to gain 5-10 more of it back just to get my period (aka something that all females hate getting in the first place).  I was sobbing for the rest of the program after that appointment and later that night after I got home.  I took down my full length mirror in my room because I couldn't look at myself anymore.  When I got home this weekend from college, my mirror was gone.  I guess my parents saw that I had taken it down and took it away.

I'm tired of this constant war inside my head.  I can really hear the two different persons inside me now: Me and EDie.  (After reading a book by Jenny Schaffer in which she described her eating disorder as being in a marriage with ED, I named my eating disorder EDie.)  I'll be saying I want to get better so that I can just be normal again and not have to go home from college twice a week every week to go to treatment programs, and to not have endless doctor appointments, and to be able to just live and hang out with my friends without being preoccupied by food.  But then on the other end of it, EDie wants me to keep the disorder.  I finally gained self-confidence towards my appearance because of it.  I was eating healthy foods and feeling good.  I got in shape.  I have no acne because I only eat healthy foods. Etc.  This battle is too difficult, and I'm tired.

An eating disorder is definitely an addiction.  I realize that now.  I'm addicted to "feeling light."  I like feeling good about myself.  Who doesn't??  I feel like I may get better at some point, but I know that a relapse is inevitable for me.  I definitely have made progress but I'm reaching the endof my limit.  No one can tell that I have an eating disorder by looking at me anymore.  I don't look sick.  But I still am very sick in the mental aspect.  But that seems like such failure to me, like I'm a fake.  I'm afraid that people will think how can she have an eating disorder if she's not really thin?  Like I don't deserve the title of having one.  But I'm not nearly healthy enough to be considered mentally recovered.

Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled.  I just needed to let it all out.

Making Changes

For those of you who don't know/remember, I've been going to an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for my eating disorder for 4 hours twice a week, for a month now.  At the program, we eat a snack together and then dinner together later on.  I have been making some progress because of the program (!), but also moving in the opposite direction in some aspects.  I have become ok with eating non whole wheat grains/bread again.  I also have had 2 vegan cookies, a fortune cookie, tried a new breakfast (a bowl of cheerios and soymilk) and I ate my first normal dinner on my own in a very long time (a burrito)!  But, I have also altered my diet to fit the program.  On days that I have the program, I eat really light since the dinner is a MUCH bigger meal then I'm used to.  The therapists and nutritionists there know this and aren't happy with it.

Except, on Thursday they kicked me out of the program!  I have actually lost 3 lbs since starting the program and the hospital has a rule that if you continuously loose weight in any program, you have to step up the intensity of your treatment.  So my "team" met and advisted me/my parents to take me out of college and put me in the Partial Hospitilization Program (PHP).  THANK GOD my parents (and I of course) said no.  But this is the 3rd time that the doctors there have strongly suggested that I go into that program!!  I feel like it's only a matter of time before my parents put me in it.  They just don't want to take me out of school, my internship, work and the tennis team right now.  But they are also scared that if I wait until winter break when I will have a free schedule to go into the program, something really bad could happen to me and my health.

So, this upcoming Thursday I happen to have an appointment with my doctor there.  My parents said that by then I have to gain weight and make notable progress with the hopes of trying to convince the doctor that I can and should stay in this level of treatment instead of waiting months to go into a more intensive one.  So, I started making changes.  I am now eating dairy again.  I have been eating dairy when I've been at the program every week, but this is the first time in MONTHS that I am eating dairy on my own free will.  And no surprise, but I've gotten sick for the first time in about a year (the last time that I ate significant amounts of dairy).  My body just isn't used to all of this bacteria in it!!  Doesn't that say something?!  Oh well, I guess I have to retrain my mind not to think this way.  I ate a Greek yogurt both yesterday and today.  I still definitely can't mentally handle eating cheese yet (it's been 2 years since I ate that), I just never liked milk to begin with, and cream and butter still freak me out.  So I think I may try for eggs next.  They're the most recent form of dairy that I've had on my own will power (around 5 months ago), so I don't think they'll be TOO difficult. 

When I made the decision to start eating some dairy again, I saw doors opening in my mind.  There were so many things that I could do again that would be considered normal.  I could get froyo, maybe one day I would be able to eat pizza and be ok with it, I could get a veggie burger at a restaurant (because most veggie burgers are cooked with butter), etc.  I would be able to actually eat food at the restaurant I am a waitress at!

But if I am going to start eating dairy again, that means I'll have to start really adhering to portion control.  I have had so much control over the past year and a half with the types of foods I eat, not I just have to learn to control the quantities.  For my birthday (on this Tuesday), my gift to myself is that I will never binge again.  This means that I'm going to have to keep my weight up by eating enough at each meal, but also keep my weight down by not overeating.  This transition is very scary but I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I am for the first time seeing a hint of light at the end of the very long and dark tunnel.

A Long Overdue Update!

It's been almost 2 months since I've posted.  I've been so busy now that school started, and so much has happened.  Last Thursday I started IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) at the hospital near my house.  The first day was ROUGH.  I was either on the verge of crying or actually crying for the majority of the 4 hour session.  We have to eat snack and then dinner.  For snack I had to eat a corn muffin and a yogurt.  I'm vegan and healthy, so I havn't had a yogurt in almost a year and I can't even remember the last time I had a muffin.  For dinner I had to have a veggie burger, a yogurt, mixed veggies, another yogurt, peanut butter and an apple.  I was ok with everything but the bun of the veggie burger (a normal, non-whole wheat bun) and the yogurt.  That meal was also difficult but not nearly as bad as the snack.  The program is Tuesday and Thursday nights for 4 hours, so twice a week.  Since the first day, I've gone two other times and the meals have gotten easier.  Today I didnt even cry the entire 4 hours!! 

I also believe I made progress in my mental approach to this eating disorder.  I talked to my new nutritionist and she is the first nutritionist that actually sees eye-to-eye with me and has asked for reasonable goals and changes.  I want to still be a vegan, but I want to give up some of my ridigity within the vegan lifestyle.  For example, I want to be able to eat any kind of vegan food at any point of the day.  I no longer want to not allow myself to eat carbs at dinner, etc.  I also want to be able to eat at whatever time in the day that I am hungry; not at pre-determined times in accordance to what time I ate my last meal.  I also have to be able to eat a non-whole wheat food.  I haven't eaten a non-whole wheat food (besides the last 3 days of the program) in a very very long time (probably 6-7 months).  I will always choose the whole wheat choice if there is an option, but I want to be able to be mentally ok with eating white bread (for example) if wheat is not an option.  I am actually planning on beginning this challenge tomorrow.  The tennis team is ordering an early dinner from a pizzaria.  Originally I told the captain that I didn't want her to order me anything, but after the program today I told her to actually order me 1 plain slice.  I will take off the cheese so it will be vegan.  But it will not be whole wheat.  I doubt I'll be able to eat the whole thing and there's a good chance that I won't be able to get through it without starting to cry, but I need to start taking steps outside of the program if I want to be able to get at least somewhat better.

This past Monday I had a session with my therapist (outside of IOP).  It was probably the best session I've ever had and I was able to provide a very vivid example of how I view my eating disorder.  In the movie Spiderman 3, there is a new villan who doesn't have a name but is a black organism.  This organism latches onto a host and feeds off the host.  It takes over them and changes how they think and act.  This organism somehow finds Peter Parker (Spiderman) and latches onto him.  It covers his spidey suit, so whenever Peter puts on the suit, he also puts on everything that comes with being under the influence of the organism.  this organism changes his intentions and morals negatively.  On the other hand, when Peter is not wearing the suit, he gains confidence, gets a haircut, gets new clothes and believes he has become hot shit.  This continues for awhile until he breaks his girlfriend's heart and realizes the monster he has become.  At this point in the movie, he isolates himself and tries to seperate himself from the organism.  But the organism has latched itself so tightly onto his suit/him that Peter really struggels to get it off.  There is a scene where is is clawing at the mask in front of his face trying to seperate it from him and you can see the black stretch marks holding the mask together.  He is screaming and pulling as hard as he can.  Eventually he is able to seperate himself from the organism and the organism leaves him and finds a new host.  I believe that this is me and my eating disorder!!  When my eating disorder (the black organism) first found me, I felt powerful with this new ability and thin body.  I got a haircut, bought a ton of new clothes (because my old ones didn't fit) and believed I was hot shit.  The skinnier I became, the hotter I thougth I was.  When it got bad and I was weighing 97 lbs, had a low heartbeat, blood pressure and blood sugar I realized what had happened.  I realized that I had taken it too far but I was still hung up on the power I felt.  It wasn't until very recently that I started to see how this new being was negatively effecting me.  It was ruining friendships, preventing me from dating and physically harming me.  But I felt like there was no way I'd ever be able to seperate my real self from my ED.  It was too entangled in my real person (just like the black organism was within Peter).  I felt like even if I started to pull at the blackness covering me, I wouldn't be able to get out of it because of how deep inside my brain it had become.  Recently (today really) I believe that I have started to see the light.  Because my nutritionist only set small and managable goals as my path to recovery, I believe that I may be able to achieve them and find some of the person I used to be.  We'll see if this feeling stays and if I can work towards it...

Busy Schedule

It's been so long since I've posted a blog.  I've been so busy ever since I moved back into school.  I got an internship with a fashion magazine!  It's 2.5 days a week so I'll have to commute into NYC 3 mornings a week.  On top of that, my parents are making me do a program for my eating disorder two nights a week at home.  Their reasoning is that if it doesn't work, because I tried a less intence program first, insurance will probably clear me to go into the Partial Hospitalization Program for winter break.  I'm only going to take 2 classes this semester, with my internship counting as a third.  But for one of the classes, I'm a teacher's assistant.  With work on top of all that, I'm freaking out.  I was actually crying in bed two nights ago and sobbed my whole therapist appointment yesterday because I have no idea how I'm going to do it all and still get good grades and sleep.  I'll also have no social life and just be crabby all the time because of how tired I am.  Of course I'm so psyched to have the internship, and I do love staying busy all the time but this is beyond busy.  I've been so busy that I haven't had time to obsess over food.  I still follow most of my rules, but I haven't exactly followed my eating schedule, or eaten as many fruits/veggies as usual.  It's been kind of nice to not be obsessing over food all of the time.  I also haven't been to the gym in 2 or 3 weeks not but I've been so busy that I haven't had the mental capacity to get upset about it.  I guess I'll see how this all plays out but it sure is going to be rough in the beginning.

Back to School

So I move back to college on Monday. My school is only an hour away from my house, but it's still far enough away that I feel like I'm on my own.  I'm really excited to not be around my parents every day.  I feel like they are always judging me.  Always taking note of everything I eat (or don't eat), when I work out, etc.  My dad always makes little comments.  Like the other night he was ordering pizza for dinner and he was trying to figure out how many pies to get.  He was trying to calculate how many slices each sibling would have and he said "well we know Tara won't be having any."  That time wasn't as bad as others because the only other people around were my siblings and not family friends or more distant relatives.  Drawing attention to it is just not necessary.  Yes, I have an eating disorder.  But I am reasonably open about it with people who I am close to, so I don't know why he has to comment on it every day.

I also just can't wait to be busy again.  Not that I'm not busy now with 2 jobs!  But at school, I have classes, my varsity team and 3 jobs!  (And hopefully an internship this fall.)  So my only important activity of the day isn't going to be eating, like it has been for so much of this summer.  I feel more like a normal person when I'm extremely busy at school.  I don't have time to idolize eating.  I eat inbetween or on my way to my different responsabilities/activities.

I am a little worried about being so tired this semester though.  If I do get an internship, I'm going to be communiting into the city twice a week.  That on top of classes, tennis and work will be exhausting.  I won't have time or energy to work out a lot and I won't be getting the proper amount of sleep.  (And I know that lots of sleep is important for staying thin.)  Ugh, I just hope it all works out.

Insurance Company

Well I was supposed to go into a partial hospitalization program (PHP) for the remainder of the summer until I went back to college.  But my insurance company denied my doctor's request, and her appeal!  I definitely did not see that one coming.  My parents made me quit my summer camp job so that I could do the program, so I've been just doing random things that needed to be done, the last few days.  So now I officially won't be doing a program for the remainder of the summer. 

How do I feel?  Mostly relief.  I broke down sobbing when I was planning my meal plan for the first week with the nutritionist there.  There was dairy at every single meal and some meat meals that I couldn't get around.  And if you don't eat part of your meal, you have to eat 1.5 times as many calories as you would've eaten in some protein shake that the hospital feeds old people who can't digest food properly.  Apparently they taste gross, and there's dairy in them.  My plan was to just drink those instead of all dairy and meat, but I obviously can't do that now that I know what's in them. 

On the other hand, I am a tiny bit depressed.  I was hoping that I would've gotten a little better by the time I went back to school.  I know there's a barrier between me and my friends because of this eating disorder, and I was hoping that the PHP would at least lessen it.

As long as I'm proclaimed "medically stable" by my doctor, I'm allowed to go back to school like normal.  I just have to start trying in my therapist/nutritionist appointments, and try to fit an intensive out-patient program into my schedule.  The insurance company wants me to try that before they'll allow me to do the PHP, and my parents want me to be able to do the PHP over winter break if I need it.

For the past year I've been able to delay every single threat that my parents/doctors have thrown at me but I'm not sure how much longer this can last...

In-Patient Therapy

My parents (with the help of my doctor) decided that I'm going to start an in-patient therapy program next Monday.  I have the diagnosis meeting(?) tomorrow morning.  I thought in an in-patient program, all of the patients sleep at the hospital and are there 24/7 every day until they get better, but mine isn't as much.  I think it's three days a week from 8am-4:30pm and two days from 11am-7pm.  I am excited to maybe finally get a little better, but I'm not upset that I'll be missing a whole bunch of stuff to do so.  I'm not someone with an eating disorder that just sits around home every day and does nothing.  I have two jobs (three during the school year), go to a top liberal arts college, play a varsity sport, have an internship in NYC in the fall two days a week and am going to be a teacher's assistant in the fall! 

As of now, I'm going to be in the program for 3 weeks so I'll just miss pre-season of my sport.  But, my dad said that if I don't make any progress, they'll keep me in a 4th week and maybe never take me out if I make absolutly NO progress and don't try.  That is NOT going to happen.  There's no way I'm going to be missing my internship or being a teacher's assistant.  The plan is for me to go to the program now for a few weeks, go back to school and continue my weekly therapy/nutritionist appointments and then go back into a program while I'm home for winter break in between semesters.  I just feel like there's never going to be a good time to do this because I'm always going to have something going on.

Guys and Relationships

For awhile now I've been always finding something wrong with whatever guy starts talking to me.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of offers (so I must not look as sick as I actually am) but I always seem to push them away.  I've been talking to a guy from work (I waitress at a restaurant) for awhile now, and another guy from the same job actually asked me out tonight.  I went on a couple of dates during the spring semester and other guys asked me out who I just made up an excuse for so that I wouldn't have to go. 

My parents and doctors say that my most important relationship in my life right now is with my eating disorder (ED).  I'd agree with that.  I always plan all of my social plans around when I'm going to eat.  I always eat four times a day 3-4 hours apart.  So I can only make plans for the 3-4 hours inbetween when I'll eat.  I also am often embarrassed of what I eat because I only eat specific things.  So maybe I am pushing guys away because I don't want them to become close enough to me that they see my abnormal eating behaviors and habits.

From the beginning I told my therapist that probably the only reason I'd ever want to give up my eating disorder was for a guy.  Like if I really liked him but was pushing him away with my eating habits.  I've wanted a boyfriend again for awhile now (my last one was the beginning of senior year in high school, 3 years ago), but I don't see that happening while I still have this disease.  Well I haven't met THE guy yet that I want to break this for, but I have thrown enough away that I'm thinking about breaking up with my ED.

I'm Ready to Change

I decided that I'm ready to change my life.  I'm tired of my dependent and controlling relationship with food.  I still want to be a vegan and be healthy, but I want to eat when I'm hungry.  I don't want to be thinking about food the entire day and be planning exactly when and what I'm going to eat hours in advance.  I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK!  Food cannot consume my thoughts anymore.  All of my friendships have suffered because I plan when I hang out with them around when I will be eating.  I just want to be a normal eater again.  But a HEALTHY normal eater.  My parents say that I cannot stay a vegan because it will kill me.  The doctor told them that people with eating disorders cannot be vegans because the disorder feeds off of the vegan lifestyle.  I'm going to have to find a way to not let this happen.

I know that I'm going to have to go into an inpatient program in order to recover.  Weekly therapist and nutritionist appointments aren't doing it.  Seriously how much can you accomplish in 45minutes once a week?  Nothing.  I'm ready to go to a program.  I'm tired of being controlled and I feel like I'm missing out on a true college experience.  And a lot of my friendships have changed.  For those of my friends who know exactly what has going on, the friendship has become more of a support friendship instead of an equal friendship, if that makes sense.  And for those who don't know, they are just more hesitant to hang out with me because I am an entirerly different person since this all has started and they don't know what has happened or what to do about it.

All in all, I'm ready to tackle this.  I definitely need help though, so I'm glad my parents have been here for me all along.  I just don't want to give up being a vegan!  In that respect my parents constant hovering and hounding is annoying because they won't let that go.  Oh well.  I guess I'll just have to trick them in that respect and say that I'm not a vegan when I still am.  But I am ready to change the mental part of this disease.  That's a step in the right direction.

Two Weeks

I saw my eating disorder specialist doctor today for the first time in about 3 months.  Since my last visit, apparently I have lost a little over 6 lbs, my heart rate has dropped, I have a low blood pressure and there's "starvation enzymes" or something in my pee.  She told my dad that since I am clearly not getting better, that she strongly reccomends my parents withdraw me from college in the fall to go into full treatment.

I don't understand.  I knew that I had lost a little weight.  But it didn't seem like that much.  That means I'm around 112 lbs right now.  For the past few visits, I had drank a TON of water right before so that I'd get those extra few pounds in when they weighed me.  This time I guess I didn't drink nearly enough.  My dad told me that I have 2 weeks.  I have to become vegetarian as opposed to vegan, gain weight, get my heart rate up, etc., or else he's not paying my tuition bill.  My mom doesn't even want to send me back.  She just wants me to go into full treatment, but my dad convinced her to give me one last chance.

I CAN'T give up being vegan.  I'm ok with gaining weight but I can't can't start eating dairy again.  The first thing I did when I got home was to eat a shit ton of peanut butter.  That's the highest calorie food that I eat, so I'm obviously willing to gain weight if I'll eat like half of the jar after already eating some earlier.

I don't understand how some people can just be naturally extremely skinny and be healthy.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  I worked my ass of to loose the weight that I did and to stay at this lower weight.  I shouldn't have to gain it back.  Why did I ever tell anyone that I was no longer getting my period.  That's how this all started.  I plan on going into fashion when I get older, so naturally I love clothes, accessories and style.  I place a huge importance on my self-image and I want to be one of those skinny girls that just looks good in everything!  Skinny girls don't have to worry about huge boobs (like I have) or curves or anything.  I want to appear tall and thin and I look this way with my new body and when I wear heels.  I don't want to be the short curvey type.  I want to wear whatever clothes I want.  It's not fair that other girls who pig out can be skinnier and healthier then me.  It's not fair.

I have two weeks.  I don't know if I can do this.  I don't really believe that my parents will actually take me out of school.  I'm doing so well with my grades, have an internship with an extremely popular fashion magazine in the fall and am even doing an independent study in which I am being a teacher's assistant for a class!  In addition to that I'm on the varsity tennis team at a good school.  I've got so much going for me.  How can they just pull me out of it?

I don't look sickly like I did last time.  I don't look like I have an eating disorder.  I have a friend who is bulimic, so she's known what's been going on with me the entire time and told me that I look completely fine now.  She was upfront with me last time when I looked too skinny.  But I don't now.  I don't really believe that I'm 112 lbs.  I weigh myself every time I go to the gym and lately I've been 114 or 115ish (with clothes, yes), but I ate and drank water on the way to the appointment today!  There's got to be something wrong with one of the scales because that's not possible.

I just can't stop being a vegan.  I wish I just had a ton of money so that I could leave and pay for everything myself.

I was reading someone else's blog the other day.  She's a girl who went through recovery for an eating disorder.  She gained all the weight but is still screwed up in her mind.  All of her posts are about how now she has no control over her eating and binges.  She is incredibly unhappy with herself and her body.  She talked about how she was always unhappy but at least she used to be skinny.  Now, she doesn't even have that.  I am TERRIFIED that that will happen to me.  Tons of people who are vegan are completely healthy!! I shouldn't have to give up this lifestyle because I have an eating disorder.  This just isn't fair.

Songs And Their Personal/Symbolic Meanings

Since the whole eating healthy and limiting myself started, I've found that 3 songs have really stuck with me and meant different things throughout my journey.  For the first few months, I considered Now I'm That Bitch by Livvi Franc my "themesong."  In this song, Livvi sings about how when she wanted a guy he had nothing to do with her, but then she transformed into something hotter and wanted nothing to do with him when he came crawling back to her.  I applied this to me because the whole time I was thinking that I was loosing weight and becoming hotter.  I would always listen to that song while working out at the gym and imagine how much more attractive I was getting.  It was such a strong motivator.  I had always done well with guys.  I had two steady boyfriends in high school and countless other offers, but I wanted to become the hottest that I could become.  I took the saying "Nothing tastes better then being skinny feels to heart" and used that song as my backbone.

The second song that has had an impact on me is All I Need by Natasha Bedingfield feat. Kevin Rudolf.  That song is kinda like a huge self-confidence song and talks about how you're the only person and support that you need.  Kind of like thinking that you're the shit and don't need other people's approval.
Some lyrics:
I'm working up to something.  So don't drag me down with you.  We're all looking for that one thing that's gonna pull us through.  And I'll keep my heart open even if it starts to bleed.  And all the daggers that you're throwing are gonna bounce right off of me.
The day that my parents drove down to school, sat me down and told me that they were pulling me out of college if I didn't gain 5 pounds in 3 weeks and get my heartrate up, I began listening to my song.  In the beginning (and still kind of today) I was just incredibly mad at them and everyone else who was getting involved.  I wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me be that skinny because for the first time in awhile, I had high self-confidence.  On the way back to campus from the Panera that my parents and I had talked at, I listened to that song on repeat, cried and then became angry.  I was very much in denial and thought that I could/would get through my parents and the doctors interference and didn't have to abide by their rules.

The final song is Paradise by Coldplay.  This song is more of a sad song about how there was once hope but now it's list behind reality.
Some lyrics:
When she was just a girl she expected the world.  But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.
This song became my mantra after the initial anger and denial.  I was just so depressed and sad.  I applied this song to me by thinking that when I was a young girl I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't even think about weight or my body.  But then when I got older, this fantasy vanished and I gained weight and started hating my body.  I could only dream about eating huge bowls of ice cream and staying skinny.  I remember listening to this song countless times on my way back to my school after thereapist appointments.


Lately, I've been listening to Paradise again.  Months later I'm still really struggeling with all of this.  But now it's a constant emotional battel between wanting to be attractive/thin in my eyes again (loose weight) and being able to "binge" and eat what I want because then I am attractive/thin in everyone else's eyes.  Before, I would tell myself that I had no good excuse to not work out every day and eat minimally and healthily.  Now, my doctor, therapist, nutritionist, parents, friends, etc. are all encouraging that I continue to eat more and gain more weight.  That is the biggest excuse in the book to not workout every day and eat really light.  But when I don't do these things, I am a failure in my eyes.  I am ashamed and mad at myself.  On days that I eat light I am so proud of myself because I exherted good self control but I am also conflicted because I know that that means I am even farther from getting my period back (aka stopping menopause), among other things. 



Every damn meal is an emotional battle for me, not to mention basically every single second of every single day.

My Sister

I have a younger sister who is going to be a junior in high school.  Me and her have never been that close, but we've never had problems either.  We just have never had that much to talk about, so we never really bonded.  But when I went off to college I became closer with everyone in my family (including her).  I think it was that once I was no longer seeing them all every day, I began to appreciate how awesome a family they really were.  So whenever I was away at college I would have a good relationship with my mom and sister (primarilly) and whenever I was home for an extended period of time I would stop liking them so much.

When I was diagnosed with ED I was at school.  I remember getting a ton of pity texts and emails from family members that knew saything that they believed in me and were there for me.  My sister was one of the texts.  She said something along the lines of how she was terrified and wanted me to get better.  I changed my eating habits long before I was diagnosed and she would now and again ask me random questions about food just because she had no previous knowledge on healthy eating.  She was always thicker then me (she just happened to get my dad's genes), but she has also definitely gained some weight lately.  Two nights ago we were actually hanging out and she told me that she had become a vegetarian (but still eats fish like I do).  I am very into my vegan diet (excluding fish), and have been ever since I transitioned over so I was really psyched for her.  I now think that meat is disgusting and cringe whenever I have to touch cheese or bacon (I waitress at a restaurant).  But then she told me that my dad had grounded her as soon as he found out.  I brought it up to him today and he got really mad and said that he didn't want to talk about it with me because I have refused to get better.  What he did say though was that he was convinced that developing an eating disorder was so much easier once you became vegetarian, and that he wasn't going to let another one of his kids get screwed up.  He's convinved that I'm going to hate him when I get older for not stepping in and making me change "when I can't have kids or get osteoperosis", and he doesn't want my sister to be the same way.  I guess I can see his point but I thought that that was COMPLETELY out of line.  Grounding her for becoming a vegetarian!! Are you kidding me?!  There are SO many people who are vegetarian and even vegan that don't have eating disorders.  I have also always been a perfectionist, so it was only a matter of time before I took control of my eating (which had always depressed me).  My sister on the other hand is the farthest thing from a perfectionist.  So as mean as it is, I don't think she'd have the willpower to develop an eating disorder.

What I realized though is that I wasn't so upset because my dad was inhibiting her from being able to loose weight, but that he was inhibiting her from giving up killing animals and eating pesticides, chemicals, steroids and hormones!  I'm all for a vegan diet because of how disgusting meat and dairy are.  I also feel like I'm part of a different culture then everyone else and I love seeing the increasing movement towards the acceptance of vegetarianism.  (I hope that veganism will one day be totally accepted.)

Compliment vs. Insult

Ever since the development of my eating disorder, my perception of compliments and insults have been warped.  When I first began to loose weight, many people commented on how I looked skinny and I became thirsty for more compliments.  I was determined to loose more and more weight so that I would get more and more compliments.  It was almost as if I fed off of them.  I wanted people to NOTICE that I had lost weight and not just suspect that I might have.

But then when I became really skinny, when someone said that I looked really thin, they meant it in a bad way.  But I continued to view it as a compliment because people were still noticing that I had lost weight.  I didn't want the compliments and comments to end, so I strove to loose even more.  Even when people outright told me that I looked too thin, I didn't care because my brain still warped that into a compliment.

It wasn't until one of my guy friends (who I thought was really hot) and one of my lesbian friends told me that I looked bad.  My guy friend definitely only hinted at it.  I told him that I was trying to gain some weight and he was so supportive about it, always asking how it was going (in a lighthearted way) and reccomending stuff.  He'd make fun of my puny arms and legs.  My lesbian friend told me one day that my body wasn't beautiful to her.  She was definitely more eloquent then my guy friend (who would always yell "nice butt" to his girl friends), but I still got the picture.  When both a guy and a girl told me that I wasn't attractive, that's when I finally became ok with gaining some weight (and I did).  But can you imagine how difficult it is to have to completely change your mindset about weight and beauty?  From always thinking that if you see decreasing numbers on the scale then you're getting hotter and doing a good job, to seeing increasing numbers as becoming hotter?

That was when I started struggeling with the compliments.  If a comment was coming from one of those two, I'd take it as a compliment and be encouraged to continue to gain weight.  But, if my parents, tennis coach or therapist told me that I was looking better, that just translated to "you look big."  It has been so rough having to smile and say thanks whenever someone says something like that to me.  One of my best friends came over today after being away at college and abroad ever since winter break (when I weighed 101 pounds).  When she was leaving she told me that I looked so much better and happier then when she last saw me.  Now I'm crying as I'm typing this because all I heard was you look like your old self, aka big.  I WANT to be known and associated with as the skinny girl.  Obviously I want to be attractive (I've started getting a lot of numbers at the restaurant I waitress at recently), but I also want people to think "damn, she's thin" when they see me.  So every time someone makes a comment, I am so conflicted with trying to decide if it's a compliment or insult that I just get overwhelmed.  Yet I'll never tell anyone this (like my parents, therapist or doctor) because I want them to think I'm getting better and leave me the hell alone.

I DON'T WANT TO GET RID OF MY EATING DISORDER.  I just want to be light again but this time for everyone to see me as attractive as I see myself as.  I'm tired of this compliment vs. insult battle.

Self-Confidence

Before my eating disorder, I had pretty low self-confidence.  Like I've said before, I had zero control over what I ate.  I would eat constantly through out the day, so that I was never actually hungry.  I would eat a ton, feel guilty about what I ate, and then eat some more to temporarilly get the pleasure associated with eating.  Then I would feel even more depressed and guilty.  It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't break.  Whenever I had an event that I wanted to be thin for, I would always not eat dinner the night before nor eat anything the day of.  I assumed that this would make my stomach flat.  Of course what I did not realize then was that my arms, legs, and face were all fat too because of my food intake.  I could never eat at the beach, didn't eat at either of the proms I went to senior year, or picture days.  I began to associate both pleasure and guilt with food and it was a constant battle between those two feelings when I ate.

Since developing my eating disorder I am much more confident.  When I was at my lowest weight (97 pounds) last Halloween weekend, I literally felt on top of the world.  I had eaten particularilly light the few previous days so that I would look extra skinny in my halloween costume (which consisted of a little black dress).  With my heels and extremely skinny body, I felt like a model when my friends and I were taking pictures before we went out.  And what was even greater was that I was able to eat a bunch of jello shots and still have a flat stomach!  I had shrunken my stomach so that eating wouldn't give me a "food baby" like it always had before.  That truely was a great experience.  Of course immediately after posting the pictures on facebook, a few friends messaged me asking if everything was ok because I looked sickly thin.  Now I can see that my shoulders were way to "skeleton-y." 

But what my newfound confidence stems from is that I finally developed self control.  Don't get me wrong I'm definitely not perfect with my eating habits.  I will occasionally binge, but instead of binging on a whole box of cookies, I'll have a ton of almonds/pistachios or peanut butter (my favorite food).  So even if I'm eating way too much of something, it's at least healthy and within my vegan and healthy diet.  Plus I know that even if I feel like I am having a fat day, the scale can always show me that I am still light.  I also know that I have a warped view of my body so even if I am seeing fat, everyone else is probably seeing skinny.

I also had very high self-esteem regarding my body image after developing my eating disorder.  But this was up until I started seeing my therapist and nutritionist.  All they seem to do is to try to shoot down my confidence.  In meeting after meeting I tell them that I am so much happier and more confident now and that I DON'T WANT to overcome this eating disorder because it has more pros than cons.  But when I start listing the pros and cons, they attack my pros and focus on the cons.  It almost seems as if their strategy is to bring down my self-confidence about my new skinny body to make me want to gain weight, so much so that I've started to stop trying to convince them.  I know how I feel and it really isn't their buisness to get to interpret my feelings.

All in all, my eating disorder has made me more self-confident because I am finally in control of my body.  Even though the doctors are all telling me that this is a dangerous mental disease, to me it just seems like the key to keep my brand new make-over.

My Relationship with ED

A few months ago my therapist had me read a book about a woman who had overcome her eating disorder.  But what was unique about the book was that the woman had described her relationship with her eating disorder as a marriage (aka she was married to "Ed").  Since reading that book I've come to two related conclusions.

My first conclusion is that I am also in a marriage with my Ed.  While every eating disordered person's relationship will be different, a lot of them are probably similar in the marriage idea.  I've realized that I push people away because I prioritize food and my rules over relationships.  I haven't had a boyfriend and have stopped giving most guys a chance with me.  I keep finding reasons to not go on dates with guys that ask me out and I think it's because I don't want to have to leave my comfort zone.  If I started going out with these guys, being vegan would be a problem, I'd have to have desserts because it wouldn't be socially acceptable not go, I'd probably have to start eating past 8pm, I couldn't stick to my eat every 3-4 hours rule and I'd probably have to start eating real food instead of a lot of veggies.  So I've chosen my rules and my Ed over boys and often friends recently.

My second conclusion is that if I am vieweing my eating disorder as a marriage, it would take the form of a female instead of a male: so Edie not Ed.  This is because my reasoning behind wanting to be skinny.  I don't feel pressure from guys to be extremely skinny because guys like curves on girls.  I feel the most pressure from girls because we're all constantly trying to be thinner and more beautiful than the next girl.  Also, skinny models were always my inspiration to loose weight.  I wanted to look like them and was willing to change entirerly to do it.  Therefore I'm trying to please the women surrounding me instead of the men.

Distortions

In so many eating disorder commercials, there is a girl looking into a mirror and her body in the reflection is much heavier then she actually is.  I guess that I am subject to those body distortions as well.  Throughout the day I'm always looking down at different parts of my body to see how I look at that particular time.  I'm also looking at my reflection in whatever surface possible, whether it is a mirror, car window, etc.  But all of my body parts seem to change size throughout the day.  I may look at my arms and think they look really skinny (and be happy with that), but then two hours later I'll look again and they'll seem really big/thick.  My stomach is the worst though.  My therapist calls my stomach my triger point.  If my stomach were really thin I would be ok with weighing a little more.  My eating disorder developed for two reasons.  One was that I wanted to be really thin, and the other was I wanted to be healthy.  If I were eating healthy, weighed a little more (like 117) but had a really skinny stomach, I think I'd be ok with it.  I'd have some curves so I would still be attractive to guys, but I wouldn't be thick (so I'd be comfortable in my skin).  But throughout the day, my stomach seems to grow and shrink the most.  Unless I eat particularilly light because of special plans, I am usually not happy with how it looks.

Since my parents stepped in and made me see an eating disorder doctor and therapist, I've definitely gained weight.  Even though I no longer look like a skeleton, I still have the eating disorder mentality, so I am by no means cured.  What kills me though, is that I feel that since I still carry the same eating disordered mentality (and people know I'm not better), I should look like I have one too.  Meaning I'm terrified people will think: If she still has an eating disorder, why isn't she skinny/doesn't she look like she has one?  She limits herself with her food choices so much but isn't even benefiting from it.  She's such a failure of an anorexic (whatever the name for my particular disorder would be).  When I was at my worst, I at least looked the part so everyone knew.  Since most people don't understand that once you develop an eating disorder you're most likely to be batteling it for the rest of your life, they don't get why I still am weird with food.  I still will only eat certain foods at certain times of the day, will eat less when I'm going to be wearing a bathing suit or a cropped shirt, etc.  If I'm not happy with how my body looks, how could I possibly be ok with showing it to anyone else?  On days that I plan to eat lighter (and am successful with it), I don't suffer from the infamous distortions.  Food will consume my thoughts more then normal on those days because I associate so much happiness with eating (when I am allowed to when following my rules), so I don't always enjoy myself at whatever event I'm going to.  But I do want to fit in, so I'll just focus on the meals I'll get to have the following day.  But unfortunately, when I'm back to the larger (but still healthy) meals, the distortions and resentment/shame will be back.

"Underneath My Smile"

I should probably explain why I titled this blog how I did.  I always try to compose myself around others.  Before my eating disorder, I guess I never had a completely normal relationship with food.  I could never stop myself from eating when or what I wanted.  Even though I was by no means fat, I definitely didn't have any self control.  Whenever I was offered food, I would joke around saying "Of course I have no self control haha" and then secretly loath myself on the inside.  Therefore, it probably always seemed to other people that I was perfectly happy while I was actually really struggeling with my body image.

Since the development of my eating disorder, I have carried on a similar mantra.  I am always smiling or acting like nothing is going on, even though something clearly is.  I remember the day that my parents confronted me about it and forced me to change.  They drove down to my college and told me that I had 3 weeks to gain 5 pounds and get my heart rate up or else they were pulling me out of school.  As I was sitting there, I was going to a top liberal arts school, had a 3.77 gpa, was playing on the varsity tennis team and had 3 jobs (all of this is still true thank God).  I'm a high achiever and I like keeping busy.  There was no shot I was letting them pull me out of school.  But, after talking with them at lunch at Panera and crying my eyes out, I still went to work later that night (as a waitress) and acted my cheerful self to my co-workers and customers.  Nobody had any idea what was going on.

Six months later, I still act the same way.  I have always had an avoidance personality, and it has magnified in how I am dealing with my eating disorder.  I keep extremely busy so that I won't have time to sit around and be consumed with disordered thoughts all day every day.  Don't get me wrong, food still does run my life, but at least I am distracted some of the time.  So I go about my day-to-day activities showcasing a smile and hiding the inner battle that I am fighting every day underneath that shiney exterior.

A Little Bit About Me

I'm 20 years old.  I have an eating disorder.  I was officially diagnosed this past January.  Ever since then, I've been thrown into weekly nutritionist, therapist and doctor appointments.  Six months later, I've decided that I need a place to let out all my thoughts (whether they are extremely eating-disordered or not) anonomously so that I will not be judged.  So I've chosen to blog.  I don't know if anyone else will ever read this, but I'd love to find people who are in similar situations as me or who could even shed some new insight on the matter.

So I guess I should start with some numbers.  I'm 5'4.  My heighest weight was somewhere between 130-135 (at 18 years old), my lowest was 97 (at 20 years old) and my current weight is around 114. 

This all started with the books "Skinny Bitch" and "This is Why You're Fat and How To Get Thin Forever."  I'm not going to say that I immediately developed my eating disorder after reading those.  It definitely progressed over time.  I started giving up more and more foods and coming up with more and more rules for myself (most of which I still follow).  After months of cutting out more and more foods from my diet, I am now finally vegan.  Although I do eat fish, so I guess I'm not a true vegan.  (But I'd like to see anyone eat the diet that I eat.)  I also have only had dessert once since my birthday last fall and I plan to try to make it to my next birthday without eating another one. 

I could go on and on with my rules but I'll save that for another post.