Distortions

In so many eating disorder commercials, there is a girl looking into a mirror and her body in the reflection is much heavier then she actually is.  I guess that I am subject to those body distortions as well.  Throughout the day I'm always looking down at different parts of my body to see how I look at that particular time.  I'm also looking at my reflection in whatever surface possible, whether it is a mirror, car window, etc.  But all of my body parts seem to change size throughout the day.  I may look at my arms and think they look really skinny (and be happy with that), but then two hours later I'll look again and they'll seem really big/thick.  My stomach is the worst though.  My therapist calls my stomach my triger point.  If my stomach were really thin I would be ok with weighing a little more.  My eating disorder developed for two reasons.  One was that I wanted to be really thin, and the other was I wanted to be healthy.  If I were eating healthy, weighed a little more (like 117) but had a really skinny stomach, I think I'd be ok with it.  I'd have some curves so I would still be attractive to guys, but I wouldn't be thick (so I'd be comfortable in my skin).  But throughout the day, my stomach seems to grow and shrink the most.  Unless I eat particularilly light because of special plans, I am usually not happy with how it looks.

Since my parents stepped in and made me see an eating disorder doctor and therapist, I've definitely gained weight.  Even though I no longer look like a skeleton, I still have the eating disorder mentality, so I am by no means cured.  What kills me though, is that I feel that since I still carry the same eating disordered mentality (and people know I'm not better), I should look like I have one too.  Meaning I'm terrified people will think: If she still has an eating disorder, why isn't she skinny/doesn't she look like she has one?  She limits herself with her food choices so much but isn't even benefiting from it.  She's such a failure of an anorexic (whatever the name for my particular disorder would be).  When I was at my worst, I at least looked the part so everyone knew.  Since most people don't understand that once you develop an eating disorder you're most likely to be batteling it for the rest of your life, they don't get why I still am weird with food.  I still will only eat certain foods at certain times of the day, will eat less when I'm going to be wearing a bathing suit or a cropped shirt, etc.  If I'm not happy with how my body looks, how could I possibly be ok with showing it to anyone else?  On days that I plan to eat lighter (and am successful with it), I don't suffer from the infamous distortions.  Food will consume my thoughts more then normal on those days because I associate so much happiness with eating (when I am allowed to when following my rules), so I don't always enjoy myself at whatever event I'm going to.  But I do want to fit in, so I'll just focus on the meals I'll get to have the following day.  But unfortunately, when I'm back to the larger (but still healthy) meals, the distortions and resentment/shame will be back.