I'm Ready to Change

I decided that I'm ready to change my life.  I'm tired of my dependent and controlling relationship with food.  I still want to be a vegan and be healthy, but I want to eat when I'm hungry.  I don't want to be thinking about food the entire day and be planning exactly when and what I'm going to eat hours in advance.  I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK!  Food cannot consume my thoughts anymore.  All of my friendships have suffered because I plan when I hang out with them around when I will be eating.  I just want to be a normal eater again.  But a HEALTHY normal eater.  My parents say that I cannot stay a vegan because it will kill me.  The doctor told them that people with eating disorders cannot be vegans because the disorder feeds off of the vegan lifestyle.  I'm going to have to find a way to not let this happen.

I know that I'm going to have to go into an inpatient program in order to recover.  Weekly therapist and nutritionist appointments aren't doing it.  Seriously how much can you accomplish in 45minutes once a week?  Nothing.  I'm ready to go to a program.  I'm tired of being controlled and I feel like I'm missing out on a true college experience.  And a lot of my friendships have changed.  For those of my friends who know exactly what has going on, the friendship has become more of a support friendship instead of an equal friendship, if that makes sense.  And for those who don't know, they are just more hesitant to hang out with me because I am an entirerly different person since this all has started and they don't know what has happened or what to do about it.

All in all, I'm ready to tackle this.  I definitely need help though, so I'm glad my parents have been here for me all along.  I just don't want to give up being a vegan!  In that respect my parents constant hovering and hounding is annoying because they won't let that go.  Oh well.  I guess I'll just have to trick them in that respect and say that I'm not a vegan when I still am.  But I am ready to change the mental part of this disease.  That's a step in the right direction.