For those of you who don't know/remember, I've been going to an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for my eating disorder for 4 hours twice a week, for a month now. At the program, we eat a snack together and then dinner together later on. I have been making some progress because of the program (!), but also moving in the opposite direction in some aspects. I have become ok with eating non whole wheat grains/bread again. I also have had 2 vegan cookies, a fortune cookie, tried a new breakfast (a bowl of cheerios and soymilk) and I ate my first normal dinner on my own in a very long time (a burrito)! But, I have also altered my diet to fit the program. On days that I have the program, I eat really light since the dinner is a MUCH bigger meal then I'm used to. The therapists and nutritionists there know this and aren't happy with it.
Except, on Thursday they kicked me out of the program! I have actually lost 3 lbs since starting the program and the hospital has a rule that if you continuously loose weight in any program, you have to step up the intensity of your treatment. So my "team" met and advisted me/my parents to take me out of college and put me in the Partial Hospitilization Program (PHP). THANK GOD my parents (and I of course) said no. But this is the 3rd time that the doctors there have strongly suggested that I go into that program!! I feel like it's only a matter of time before my parents put me in it. They just don't want to take me out of school, my internship, work and the tennis team right now. But they are also scared that if I wait until winter break when I will have a free schedule to go into the program, something really bad could happen to me and my health.
So, this upcoming Thursday I happen to have an appointment with my doctor there. My parents said that by then I have to gain weight and make notable progress with the hopes of trying to convince the doctor that I can and should stay in this level of treatment instead of waiting months to go into a more intensive one. So, I started making changes. I am now eating dairy again. I have been eating dairy when I've been at the program every week, but this is the first time in MONTHS that I am eating dairy on my own free will. And no surprise, but I've gotten sick for the first time in about a year (the last time that I ate significant amounts of dairy). My body just isn't used to all of this bacteria in it!! Doesn't that say something?! Oh well, I guess I have to retrain my mind not to think this way. I ate a Greek yogurt both yesterday and today. I still definitely can't mentally handle eating cheese yet (it's been 2 years since I ate that), I just never liked milk to begin with, and cream and butter still freak me out. So I think I may try for eggs next. They're the most recent form of dairy that I've had on my own will power (around 5 months ago), so I don't think they'll be TOO difficult.
When I made the decision to start eating some dairy again, I saw doors opening in my mind. There were so many things that I could do again that would be considered normal. I could get froyo, maybe one day I would be able to eat pizza and be ok with it, I could get a veggie burger at a restaurant (because most veggie burgers are cooked with butter), etc. I would be able to actually eat food at the restaurant I am a waitress at!
But if I am going to start eating dairy again, that means I'll have to start really adhering to portion control. I have had so much control over the past year and a half with the types of foods I eat, not I just have to learn to control the quantities. For my birthday (on this Tuesday), my gift to myself is that I will never binge again. This means that I'm going to have to keep my weight up by eating enough at each meal, but also keep my weight down by not overeating. This transition is very scary but I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I am for the first time seeing a hint of light at the end of the very long and dark tunnel.
