Busy Schedule

It's been so long since I've posted a blog.  I've been so busy ever since I moved back into school.  I got an internship with a fashion magazine!  It's 2.5 days a week so I'll have to commute into NYC 3 mornings a week.  On top of that, my parents are making me do a program for my eating disorder two nights a week at home.  Their reasoning is that if it doesn't work, because I tried a less intence program first, insurance will probably clear me to go into the Partial Hospitalization Program for winter break.  I'm only going to take 2 classes this semester, with my internship counting as a third.  But for one of the classes, I'm a teacher's assistant.  With work on top of all that, I'm freaking out.  I was actually crying in bed two nights ago and sobbed my whole therapist appointment yesterday because I have no idea how I'm going to do it all and still get good grades and sleep.  I'll also have no social life and just be crabby all the time because of how tired I am.  Of course I'm so psyched to have the internship, and I do love staying busy all the time but this is beyond busy.  I've been so busy that I haven't had time to obsess over food.  I still follow most of my rules, but I haven't exactly followed my eating schedule, or eaten as many fruits/veggies as usual.  It's been kind of nice to not be obsessing over food all of the time.  I also haven't been to the gym in 2 or 3 weeks not but I've been so busy that I haven't had the mental capacity to get upset about it.  I guess I'll see how this all plays out but it sure is going to be rough in the beginning.

Back to School

So I move back to college on Monday. My school is only an hour away from my house, but it's still far enough away that I feel like I'm on my own.  I'm really excited to not be around my parents every day.  I feel like they are always judging me.  Always taking note of everything I eat (or don't eat), when I work out, etc.  My dad always makes little comments.  Like the other night he was ordering pizza for dinner and he was trying to figure out how many pies to get.  He was trying to calculate how many slices each sibling would have and he said "well we know Tara won't be having any."  That time wasn't as bad as others because the only other people around were my siblings and not family friends or more distant relatives.  Drawing attention to it is just not necessary.  Yes, I have an eating disorder.  But I am reasonably open about it with people who I am close to, so I don't know why he has to comment on it every day.

I also just can't wait to be busy again.  Not that I'm not busy now with 2 jobs!  But at school, I have classes, my varsity team and 3 jobs!  (And hopefully an internship this fall.)  So my only important activity of the day isn't going to be eating, like it has been for so much of this summer.  I feel more like a normal person when I'm extremely busy at school.  I don't have time to idolize eating.  I eat inbetween or on my way to my different responsabilities/activities.

I am a little worried about being so tired this semester though.  If I do get an internship, I'm going to be communiting into the city twice a week.  That on top of classes, tennis and work will be exhausting.  I won't have time or energy to work out a lot and I won't be getting the proper amount of sleep.  (And I know that lots of sleep is important for staying thin.)  Ugh, I just hope it all works out.

Insurance Company

Well I was supposed to go into a partial hospitalization program (PHP) for the remainder of the summer until I went back to college.  But my insurance company denied my doctor's request, and her appeal!  I definitely did not see that one coming.  My parents made me quit my summer camp job so that I could do the program, so I've been just doing random things that needed to be done, the last few days.  So now I officially won't be doing a program for the remainder of the summer. 

How do I feel?  Mostly relief.  I broke down sobbing when I was planning my meal plan for the first week with the nutritionist there.  There was dairy at every single meal and some meat meals that I couldn't get around.  And if you don't eat part of your meal, you have to eat 1.5 times as many calories as you would've eaten in some protein shake that the hospital feeds old people who can't digest food properly.  Apparently they taste gross, and there's dairy in them.  My plan was to just drink those instead of all dairy and meat, but I obviously can't do that now that I know what's in them. 

On the other hand, I am a tiny bit depressed.  I was hoping that I would've gotten a little better by the time I went back to school.  I know there's a barrier between me and my friends because of this eating disorder, and I was hoping that the PHP would at least lessen it.

As long as I'm proclaimed "medically stable" by my doctor, I'm allowed to go back to school like normal.  I just have to start trying in my therapist/nutritionist appointments, and try to fit an intensive out-patient program into my schedule.  The insurance company wants me to try that before they'll allow me to do the PHP, and my parents want me to be able to do the PHP over winter break if I need it.

For the past year I've been able to delay every single threat that my parents/doctors have thrown at me but I'm not sure how much longer this can last...