Songs And Their Personal/Symbolic Meanings

Since the whole eating healthy and limiting myself started, I've found that 3 songs have really stuck with me and meant different things throughout my journey.  For the first few months, I considered Now I'm That Bitch by Livvi Franc my "themesong."  In this song, Livvi sings about how when she wanted a guy he had nothing to do with her, but then she transformed into something hotter and wanted nothing to do with him when he came crawling back to her.  I applied this to me because the whole time I was thinking that I was loosing weight and becoming hotter.  I would always listen to that song while working out at the gym and imagine how much more attractive I was getting.  It was such a strong motivator.  I had always done well with guys.  I had two steady boyfriends in high school and countless other offers, but I wanted to become the hottest that I could become.  I took the saying "Nothing tastes better then being skinny feels to heart" and used that song as my backbone.

The second song that has had an impact on me is All I Need by Natasha Bedingfield feat. Kevin Rudolf.  That song is kinda like a huge self-confidence song and talks about how you're the only person and support that you need.  Kind of like thinking that you're the shit and don't need other people's approval.
Some lyrics:
I'm working up to something.  So don't drag me down with you.  We're all looking for that one thing that's gonna pull us through.  And I'll keep my heart open even if it starts to bleed.  And all the daggers that you're throwing are gonna bounce right off of me.
The day that my parents drove down to school, sat me down and told me that they were pulling me out of college if I didn't gain 5 pounds in 3 weeks and get my heartrate up, I began listening to my song.  In the beginning (and still kind of today) I was just incredibly mad at them and everyone else who was getting involved.  I wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me be that skinny because for the first time in awhile, I had high self-confidence.  On the way back to campus from the Panera that my parents and I had talked at, I listened to that song on repeat, cried and then became angry.  I was very much in denial and thought that I could/would get through my parents and the doctors interference and didn't have to abide by their rules.

The final song is Paradise by Coldplay.  This song is more of a sad song about how there was once hope but now it's list behind reality.
Some lyrics:
When she was just a girl she expected the world.  But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.
This song became my mantra after the initial anger and denial.  I was just so depressed and sad.  I applied this song to me by thinking that when I was a young girl I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't even think about weight or my body.  But then when I got older, this fantasy vanished and I gained weight and started hating my body.  I could only dream about eating huge bowls of ice cream and staying skinny.  I remember listening to this song countless times on my way back to my school after thereapist appointments.


Lately, I've been listening to Paradise again.  Months later I'm still really struggeling with all of this.  But now it's a constant emotional battel between wanting to be attractive/thin in my eyes again (loose weight) and being able to "binge" and eat what I want because then I am attractive/thin in everyone else's eyes.  Before, I would tell myself that I had no good excuse to not work out every day and eat minimally and healthily.  Now, my doctor, therapist, nutritionist, parents, friends, etc. are all encouraging that I continue to eat more and gain more weight.  That is the biggest excuse in the book to not workout every day and eat really light.  But when I don't do these things, I am a failure in my eyes.  I am ashamed and mad at myself.  On days that I eat light I am so proud of myself because I exherted good self control but I am also conflicted because I know that that means I am even farther from getting my period back (aka stopping menopause), among other things. 



Every damn meal is an emotional battle for me, not to mention basically every single second of every single day.