I saw my eating disorder specialist doctor today for the first time in about 3 months. Since my last visit, apparently I have lost a little over 6 lbs, my heart rate has dropped, I have a low blood pressure and there's "starvation enzymes" or something in my pee. She told my dad that since I am clearly not getting better, that she strongly reccomends my parents withdraw me from college in the fall to go into full treatment.
I don't understand. I knew that I had lost a little weight. But it didn't seem like that much. That means I'm around 112 lbs right now. For the past few visits, I had drank a TON of water right before so that I'd get those extra few pounds in when they weighed me. This time I guess I didn't drink nearly enough. My dad told me that I have 2 weeks. I have to become vegetarian as opposed to vegan, gain weight, get my heart rate up, etc., or else he's not paying my tuition bill. My mom doesn't even want to send me back. She just wants me to go into full treatment, but my dad convinced her to give me one last chance.
I CAN'T give up being vegan. I'm ok with gaining weight but I can't can't start eating dairy again. The first thing I did when I got home was to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That's the highest calorie food that I eat, so I'm obviously willing to gain weight if I'll eat like half of the jar after already eating some earlier.
I don't understand how some people can just be naturally extremely skinny and be healthy. IT'S NOT FAIR. I worked my ass of to loose the weight that I did and to stay at this lower weight. I shouldn't have to gain it back. Why did I ever tell anyone that I was no longer getting my period. That's how this all started. I plan on going into fashion when I get older, so naturally I love clothes, accessories and style. I place a huge importance on my self-image and I want to be one of those skinny girls that just looks good in everything! Skinny girls don't have to worry about huge boobs (like I have) or curves or anything. I want to appear tall and thin and I look this way with my new body and when I wear heels. I don't want to be the short curvey type. I want to wear whatever clothes I want. It's not fair that other girls who pig out can be skinnier and healthier then me. It's not fair.
I have two weeks. I don't know if I can do this. I don't really believe that my parents will actually take me out of school. I'm doing so well with my grades, have an internship with an extremely popular fashion magazine in the fall and am even doing an independent study in which I am being a teacher's assistant for a class! In addition to that I'm on the varsity tennis team at a good school. I've got so much going for me. How can they just pull me out of it?
I don't look sickly like I did last time. I don't look like I have an eating disorder. I have a friend who is bulimic, so she's known what's been going on with me the entire time and told me that I look completely fine now. She was upfront with me last time when I looked too skinny. But I don't now. I don't really believe that I'm 112 lbs. I weigh myself every time I go to the gym and lately I've been 114 or 115ish (with clothes, yes), but I ate and drank water on the way to the appointment today! There's got to be something wrong with one of the scales because that's not possible.
I just can't stop being a vegan. I wish I just had a ton of money so that I could leave and pay for everything myself.
I was reading someone else's blog the other day. She's a girl who went through recovery for an eating disorder. She gained all the weight but is still screwed up in her mind. All of her posts are about how now she has no control over her eating and binges. She is incredibly unhappy with herself and her body. She talked about how she was always unhappy but at least she used to be skinny. Now, she doesn't even have that. I am TERRIFIED that that will happen to me. Tons of people who are vegan are completely healthy!! I shouldn't have to give up this lifestyle because I have an eating disorder. This just isn't fair.
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