My Relationship with ED

A few months ago my therapist had me read a book about a woman who had overcome her eating disorder.  But what was unique about the book was that the woman had described her relationship with her eating disorder as a marriage (aka she was married to "Ed").  Since reading that book I've come to two related conclusions.

My first conclusion is that I am also in a marriage with my Ed.  While every eating disordered person's relationship will be different, a lot of them are probably similar in the marriage idea.  I've realized that I push people away because I prioritize food and my rules over relationships.  I haven't had a boyfriend and have stopped giving most guys a chance with me.  I keep finding reasons to not go on dates with guys that ask me out and I think it's because I don't want to have to leave my comfort zone.  If I started going out with these guys, being vegan would be a problem, I'd have to have desserts because it wouldn't be socially acceptable not go, I'd probably have to start eating past 8pm, I couldn't stick to my eat every 3-4 hours rule and I'd probably have to start eating real food instead of a lot of veggies.  So I've chosen my rules and my Ed over boys and often friends recently.

My second conclusion is that if I am vieweing my eating disorder as a marriage, it would take the form of a female instead of a male: so Edie not Ed.  This is because my reasoning behind wanting to be skinny.  I don't feel pressure from guys to be extremely skinny because guys like curves on girls.  I feel the most pressure from girls because we're all constantly trying to be thinner and more beautiful than the next girl.  Also, skinny models were always my inspiration to loose weight.  I wanted to look like them and was willing to change entirerly to do it.  Therefore I'm trying to please the women surrounding me instead of the men.