"Underneath My Smile"

I should probably explain why I titled this blog how I did.  I always try to compose myself around others.  Before my eating disorder, I guess I never had a completely normal relationship with food.  I could never stop myself from eating when or what I wanted.  Even though I was by no means fat, I definitely didn't have any self control.  Whenever I was offered food, I would joke around saying "Of course I have no self control haha" and then secretly loath myself on the inside.  Therefore, it probably always seemed to other people that I was perfectly happy while I was actually really struggeling with my body image.

Since the development of my eating disorder, I have carried on a similar mantra.  I am always smiling or acting like nothing is going on, even though something clearly is.  I remember the day that my parents confronted me about it and forced me to change.  They drove down to my college and told me that I had 3 weeks to gain 5 pounds and get my heart rate up or else they were pulling me out of school.  As I was sitting there, I was going to a top liberal arts school, had a 3.77 gpa, was playing on the varsity tennis team and had 3 jobs (all of this is still true thank God).  I'm a high achiever and I like keeping busy.  There was no shot I was letting them pull me out of school.  But, after talking with them at lunch at Panera and crying my eyes out, I still went to work later that night (as a waitress) and acted my cheerful self to my co-workers and customers.  Nobody had any idea what was going on.

Six months later, I still act the same way.  I have always had an avoidance personality, and it has magnified in how I am dealing with my eating disorder.  I keep extremely busy so that I won't have time to sit around and be consumed with disordered thoughts all day every day.  Don't get me wrong, food still does run my life, but at least I am distracted some of the time.  So I go about my day-to-day activities showcasing a smile and hiding the inner battle that I am fighting every day underneath that shiney exterior.