Progress, Then Back Again

Recently I feel like I've been making a lot of progress in my intensive outpatient program (IOP).  I've been eating a lot of challenge foods, sticking to my meal plan, gained a little weight and improved my vitals.  This all happened 2 weeks ago.  But then at my weekly nutritionist appointment last Thursday, I got the results back from my bloodwork test.  My estrogen was very low, and I lost it.  I felt like I had been trying so hard, had gained weight (even though I don't feel comfortable with the weight that I was at before), and it still wasn't good enough.  My doctors say that I have to continue to gain weight until I get my period back, because I haven't had my period in a year and a half.  I can't do this anymore though.  When I was at my lowest point I had lost 35lbs, but I've gained 20 of it back!!!  I don't want to have to gain 5-10 more of it back just to get my period (aka something that all females hate getting in the first place).  I was sobbing for the rest of the program after that appointment and later that night after I got home.  I took down my full length mirror in my room because I couldn't look at myself anymore.  When I got home this weekend from college, my mirror was gone.  I guess my parents saw that I had taken it down and took it away.

I'm tired of this constant war inside my head.  I can really hear the two different persons inside me now: Me and EDie.  (After reading a book by Jenny Schaffer in which she described her eating disorder as being in a marriage with ED, I named my eating disorder EDie.)  I'll be saying I want to get better so that I can just be normal again and not have to go home from college twice a week every week to go to treatment programs, and to not have endless doctor appointments, and to be able to just live and hang out with my friends without being preoccupied by food.  But then on the other end of it, EDie wants me to keep the disorder.  I finally gained self-confidence towards my appearance because of it.  I was eating healthy foods and feeling good.  I got in shape.  I have no acne because I only eat healthy foods. Etc.  This battle is too difficult, and I'm tired.

An eating disorder is definitely an addiction.  I realize that now.  I'm addicted to "feeling light."  I like feeling good about myself.  Who doesn't??  I feel like I may get better at some point, but I know that a relapse is inevitable for me.  I definitely have made progress but I'm reaching the endof my limit.  No one can tell that I have an eating disorder by looking at me anymore.  I don't look sick.  But I still am very sick in the mental aspect.  But that seems like such failure to me, like I'm a fake.  I'm afraid that people will think how can she have an eating disorder if she's not really thin?  Like I don't deserve the title of having one.  But I'm not nearly healthy enough to be considered mentally recovered.

Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled.  I just needed to let it all out.