For awhile now I've been always finding something wrong with whatever guy starts talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of offers (so I must not look as sick as I actually am) but I always seem to push them away. I've been talking to a guy from work (I waitress at a restaurant) for awhile now, and another guy from the same job actually asked me out tonight. I went on a couple of dates during the spring semester and other guys asked me out who I just made up an excuse for so that I wouldn't have to go.
My parents and doctors say that my most important relationship in my life right now is with my eating disorder (ED). I'd agree with that. I always plan all of my social plans around when I'm going to eat. I always eat four times a day 3-4 hours apart. So I can only make plans for the 3-4 hours inbetween when I'll eat. I also am often embarrassed of what I eat because I only eat specific things. So maybe I am pushing guys away because I don't want them to become close enough to me that they see my abnormal eating behaviors and habits.
From the beginning I told my therapist that probably the only reason I'd ever want to give up my eating disorder was for a guy. Like if I really liked him but was pushing him away with my eating habits. I've wanted a boyfriend again for awhile now (my last one was the beginning of senior year in high school, 3 years ago), but I don't see that happening while I still have this disease. Well I haven't met THE guy yet that I want to break this for, but I have thrown enough away that I'm thinking about breaking up with my ED.
Interesting, I have the same problem with guys (pushing them away, keeping my distance) I have never thought about being in a 'relationship' with my eating disorder and thus not being able to maintain one with people. Very insightful, thank you.
ReplyDeleteHope you are well xx